Sunday, July 30, 2017
The Bear Nazis
The Bear Nazis rush forward and surround the Bear Reg Offender while their Commandante shouts commands to "secure the area". Bear Spray-armed sentries are posted looking left and right with herky, jerky side-to-side motions of their heads. Meanwhile, The Bear Nazi Commandante confronts the Bear Reg Offender in a loud, accusatory manner, putting his face as close as possible to the Bear Reg Offender's face. Meanwhile, the phalanx of the Bear Nazi Strike Force stands poised and ready to tackle and handcuff the purported Bear Reg Offender. If the Commandante orders a full confiscation, the Strike Force members will quickly gather up all the possessions of the purported Bear Reg Offender and throw them helter, skelter into the steel covered rear bed of the crew cab assault vehicle.
This is not fiction. We have seen the Bear Nazis in action...right in our face. Where and when? Why in Glacier National Park in 2003 at the Apgar Campground. What we described above is precisely what happened to us when we were subjected to the rude, insulting behavior of the Bear Nazis right in our own campsite.
What was our purported Bear Reg Offense? Well, we knew all about the Bear Regs. So, I told Susun we would take our beer cooler around behind our tent and sit beside it with our two lawn chairs while we enjoyed some cold beers after along day on the road. I know enough about the Bear Regs to know that you are legally entitled to have a cooler out in plain sight if it is in "actual, immediate usage" by the owner.
Well, that didn't stop the Bear Nazis from assaulting and harassing and threatening us. I had to get really assertive about the Bear Regs and stand my ground and state emphatically over and over that what we were doing was totally, 100% LEGAL! It went in one ear and out the other ear for their Commandante. He so badly wanted to confiscate all our stuff, arrest us and take us into custody. But I stood my ground and told him to call the Chief NPS Ranger to arbitrate the situation.
The Commandante knew I had him on that one. He knew dang well the Chief Ranger would side with me because I was on the right side of the law. So, the Nazi Commandate backed down, huffing and puffing and being full himself every blow hard step of the way.
Just before he mounted back into the Strike Force Assault vehicle, he shouted a warning at us, "You better have that cooler out of sight unless you are standing right next to it when we come back around this loop!" Well, YES SIR! I was very tempted to give the Nazi salute and shout Sieg Heil at the top of my lungs. But I knew better and I bit my tongue and kept my restless right arm at my side.
We were so upset with the Bear Nazis that day. We were positively fuming. Luckily, a few cold beers took the edge off our fumes. We were able to settle back down and enjoy the remainder of the evening. But it's a vignette we obviously never forgot. And we have forever since feared the Bear Nazis. We known danged well and good that the Bear Nazis are alive and well in Glacier National Park. If they were that gnarly in 2003, imagine what they will be like in 2017!
So, we have planned our entire Road Trip rigging specifically for the Glacier National Park Bear Nazis. There will not be one single item exposed outside of what the Bear Nazis call a "hardside" vehicle. There will be nothing under the trailer, nothing in the rear bed of the pickup truck. Nothing. Anywhere. Not even lawn chairs unless we are actually sitting in them.
We are leaving absolutely nothing to chance. We have "proofed" out our Bear Nazi rigging over and over and we have this drill DOWN! We started working on this rig very early this year and we've spent months refining and perfecting the Glacier Bear Nazi rig.
That 2003 incident is still very fresh in our minds and memories. We're ready for the Bear Nazis this time around!
Posted by Johnny Montezuma at 4:45 PM